The summer at the end of the tunnel

It’s been a pretty weird winter for me.  I have felt a distinct absence of words (although I anticipate my boyfriend will disagree with me on that).  But putting mindless chatter aside where I concede my words are plentiful, I have struggled with a surprising absence of language during this season; an inability to articulate.  Perhaps feeling there is little value or meaning in my words, that is, if I could find any to say.

This word-famine I seem to be experiencing has affected me in so many ways.  New musical ideas struggling to be formed, blogs have barely been written, lyrics left naked without consonants or vowels, wordless feelings that have not been penned and crafted into melodies. Just a sort of barrenness. 

I am full of feeling. That is for sure.  I have a lot of tastes on my tongue and experiences on my skin that I wish to write about.  In fact, the strongest feeling of them all, one which is entirely new to me, is this timeless classic called love, or, being in love [I know. Totes gross].  The happiness and the excitement and this new wholeness stemming from that feeling is dancing around inside me, waiting to bust out into song.  But the ability to describe with integrity the breadth of love I have for this being or simply what even love is to me, seems entirely impossible.  I don’t know what to write or what to say.  Lost in a sea of just, well, feeling.  Then cause I’m a bit cray cray I spiral into darkness thinking if I am unable to depict the commonest of experiences, how can I seek to then express all that lies beyond the most obvious of topics and bring the depth and reality to my music as I desire. Don’t worry, I‘m rolling my eyes at myself.

So yeah, winter has been unkind to me.  Work pressures, fickle health, light deprivation, not to mention the endless attention-demanding navigation of high-heeled shoes over wonky slippery Wellington pavements.  Winter is just so fricken hard.  However, perhaps there was one thing I can attribute the word-famine to; a heartbreakingly bad review.  

So this was posted some time ago, and I haven’t shared it publically yet till now.  I’m not really sure why now I feel like showing it.  Perhaps it’s my finale.  My way of letting it go.  I know you are supposed to have thick skin if you are wanting to work in an industry like this but I guess you only get that thick skin by learning how to live through these things.  This was not only my first bad review but it was my first review.  So, that sucked.

So while it has been hard to pull myself out of the recesses of that swift kick to the gut, I seem to be getting there.  The truth is I love music and I love the music that I make.  I love my band and I love performing.  I love performing even if there is only one person in the crowd who appreciates it.  I just love it.  Like, it is the time I feel most myself and the most connected with the world.  So I guess all in all, first layer of thick skin acquired.

And while I still feel surrounded by the tunnel I have been trudging along inside for the last few months, I am starting to see some sunlight through the cracks and cannot wait for the summer at the end.  This year will see a few more fabulous gigs yet, with some new material AND a beautiful new video clip for my song All a Flutter.  So plenty to be looking forward to. 


And Plenty of words yet.