the lament of foolishness

There are days where I am astounded by my own stupidity.  You know that ill feeling that weaves its way through your veins so that every part of yourself feels aware of how royally you messed up.  I find it incredibly difficult to process the feeling, the awareness of one’s foolishness.  I feel it sits in my skin and stains all my thoughts and I can’t escape it.

Even when a stitch-up-solution is found, you know a solution that whilst “solves” things is not ideal and should never have had to have been broached, well even when that patch is found I can’t help but feel the echos of stupidity reverberating in my hollows. 

I have faced a lot of conflict and challenges in the last year and whilst I know I am learning and I know I am growing and I know I’m building my strength and thickening my fighter blood, I don’t understand why these situations cannot be a little bit more spaced out?  Cannot the respite period be longer in order to solidify these so called lessons?  It’s like for the last year I’ve been stuck on a ‘rapid fire’ level in some playstation game.  

I know things have seasons.  We have literal seasons in our year and we have figurative seasons in our life.  I get that.  I accept that.  I can deal with that.  But the thing about seasons is that, for example, Spring always comes just in time; it flashes its shades, tantalises you with its pockets of warmth, and helps you make your way through to the show-stopping heart lifting song of summer; the actual light at the end of the tunnel.  Especially here in Wellington, Spring is renowned for its thrashing wind and its fickle days but yet it manages to give you hope of what lies ahead.  It shows you there is going to be an end to this stagnant cold and darkness.  And if I’m honest I just feel like I am in an incredibly long and drawn out winter and I am desperately awaiting the arrival of Spring in my life. 

Well that’s not entirely true I suppose.  I’m such a verbal processor that now that I have written that down I guess I realise that perhaps I have had a few flashes of Spring as of late.  Releasing my EP being one of them.   My impending trip to Bali another.  So maybe my Spring is starting to stretch itself across my life.  As I said Spring is known for its horrendous winds so maybe I will just be thrashed about for a tad longer, but then I will get to move into a sunny calm period.  I honestly hope so. 

I’m not suggesting my struggles are the worst of their kind, although I have to say I have had a few experiences this year that would probably rate high on the scale of nasty.  But that’s the thing isn’t it.  It doesn’t really matter what it is.  This year I have dealt with things, and am dealing with things I have never had to deal with before.  It has been the fullest year, good and bad, that I have ever had.  And I think it is a fruitless exercise to compare tragedies and wounds.   All I know is I am getting tired from dancing quickstep style, one step forward and far too many back.

I’m not really sure much of this has a point apart from it being thoughts and words I am sure most of you have thought at some point.  But I know talking about things always helps me to better deal with them and to ground myself as well.  The reality is what really can I do but hope that this is the transition from winter to spring and that the evidence of summer will soon be on the horizon. 

I think I just have to make it through these next few weeks and then it will be all sunshine, sleep, cocktails and yoga as I fun it up in Bali.  Bring it on.